Onward

So the update I promised ages ago...Ben quitting his job.

Ben quit his job at the beginning of June. It was something we had talked and prayed about for a long, long time. We didn't necessarily have an answer to prayer (no lightening--my expectations were high) or even a conclusion we felt good about but for a thousand reasons it was the thing we had to do. We were rolling down this hill towards the American dream without any chance of adventure. I could see our 2.5 children with our well behaved dog in the horizon, framed by our white picket fence. Now don't get me wrong, I want children nearly more than anything. And I am actually a big fan of white picket fences. But I want to chose those things in my life and not have them thrust upon me. And I felt like these things were along the trajectory of someone else's life. Someone whose goal in life was to hit all the milestones on time because "it's what you do."

This has been very difficult for me. I follow the rules, painstakingly...I don't ruin my dinner with dessert, I call my grandmothers every week, I drink 8 glasses of water a day and eat 4 servings of vegetables, I write thank you notes, I vacuum under the bed. I am neurotic. I people please. So when Ben quit his job (with my full support and prodding) I panicked inside, "What will people say?" "People will think I am irresponsible. People will think I am a bad wife."

But I could feel it in my bones that if I didn't grab onto a tree along the downward slope towards suburbia and alter my path I would miss out on the desires I have carried inside me for as long as I can remember and amazingly that Ben has had too. We want to meet people of different cultures, examine our own from a different lens. We want to know God and worship Him from a worldview that isn't seasoned with materialism and American expectations. And ultimately, our desire is to please God, to live a life that is most honoring to Him. The fumes of selfish ambition are already wafting up our nostrils here in our apartment. I catch myself longing for, I mean obsessively thinking about, that new pair of cowboy boots I want and I forget that I don't even need those and that there are people in my church, people on my street, patients in my office that have actual needs. The older I get, the better I become at justifying my selfishness...but I really do need that pair of boots...what if I go horseback riding next fall...and everyone else I know owns a pair...and...me...me...me.

And maybe this all doesn't jive for you. You might think it's okay to shake your fist at the American dream but what does that have to do with Ben quitting his job? Ben wants to be a doctor--not a scientist. And when he talked to MCG on the phone they said his job was NOT helping him get in. So Ben is using this time away from work (in Germany right now for a month) to try and help his med school application. He is also scoping out Germany as a possible place to live. He is also saying no to a career that is safe but unfulfilling. We just couldn't let it go too far.

My greatest fear in writing this post is sounding ungrateful...that I don't recognize the sacrifice and love my parents put into raising my two sisters and I. If there is anyone I could be like in my life, it is my two parents. So I am most definitely not criticizing family and children and working hard and working hard to provide even if you don't like your job. Ben and I just have to take this chance, just have to walk out in faith at this time in our lives. The season is right.

So our future is unknown. Benny is in Germany right now: praying, thinking, immersing himself in the German language (of which he is already prolific), spending time with his brother, Bruce, improving his tennis game, and missing me terribly, I'm sure :) He is still waitlisted at MCG. He will probably get his MCAT score tomorrow.

So pray for us and forgive me for such a long post and no pictures :)